I have some bad news. We have to break up. It’s not you, it’s … actually, it is you. This wasn’t an easy decision considering we’re still in the honeymoon period, but we categorically need to break up and while I really would love to say “It’s not you, it’s me” it’s totally you.
You see, ever since we started our whirlwind romance, something crazy has happened. I’ve stopped being productive! I know, I don’t how this could have happened either because you’ve been so good to me.
I have loved our time lounging on the couch together, watching Orange is the New Black, eating popcorn and all the new things you’ve taught me … remember the time we were watching House of Cards how shocked we were when Frank pushed Zoe in front of an oncoming train? Or that time when we rolled around on the floor laughing during The Hangover.
But I have to be strong. I’ve tried to break it off with you before but your accounts department “accidentally” gave me an extra free month. I know it was just your way of trying to keep me from leaving and I don’t l blame you. We are great together.
But you’ve been playing mind games and I can’t take it any more. Coercing me into watching just one more episode…and before I know it it’s 3am on a Tuesday morning. You are a bad influence.
I know you love me but I just can’t do it any more. I’m tired, OK.
To be honest, lots of my friends warned me about you. They told me I’d fall hard and become addicted. But did I listen? No, I went ahead and fell in love with everything you had to offer, especially when you let me use my phone as the remote, let me watch Mad Max: Fury Road and notified me of new content I would like. Your presence is just too powerful and I am simply no match for your charms.
This time it’s for real. It has to be forever – well, at least the foreseeable future. (Maybe we can have a summer fling? My wife would probably be up for that too).
Anyway, I digress. See, you’re always trying to get me to stay. Let’s just cool it, hey?
So that’s it. We’re done. It’s over. I’ll pack your things and have you gone by 5pm tomorrow. I want to give you some time to get used to the idea – and it’s right after that last episode of Orange is the New Black.
Thank you for a fulfilling relationship.